Because of her depression and gender dysphoria, her grades dropped a bit, but she still longed to get into Peking University or Beijing Normal University's Department of Chinese Language and Literature.
As early as her third year during elementary school, Xu Yushu had the dream of becoming a girl.
As soon as she found out she started to exhibit male pattern secondary sexual characteristics, she locked herself in her room and cried for a whole day, not willing to check in the mirror.
When she reached her sixth year, many classmates bullied her because she was different from others.
Her father told her: "This world needs tolerance. Because there are so many idiots in this world, your excellence is made more dazzling."
She had a thick notebook for her elementary school classmates, but only a handful pages were filled in the end.
There were lots of words of bullying in them.
She wrote three pages at the end herself "Xu Yushu 1", "Xu Yushu 2", and "Xu Yushu 3".
In these pages, she wrote "Kill **him**, find **her**."
At this point, she's already strongly against identifying as her assigned gender.
After entering her second year of junior high school, her mental state started to worsen.
Although her mother suggested her to take a year off, her father disagreed and blamed her.
She wasn't able to bravely express herself.
After some time, she had a suicide attempt at school but no one cared.
At the New Year's party of her first year in senior high school, although she didn't have a role in the show, she still prepared her best and wore red dress and cute shoes.
Those shoes were a bit uncomfortable, yet she persisted to be the self she liked.
During the New Year celebrations of 2018, she wrote down her mental struggles in *Living with Depression 1*.
Although her teather told her she thought too much, they still praised her bravery to face the struggles that come with life, and suggested Shi Tiesheng's works.
After reviewing the chat history, it was clear that she might've already been sexual assaulted multiple times.
While she was hospitalized, she wrote *Living with Depression 2*.
The preface: "My only hope is the few little boxes of meds. They're my life-saving straw...(The little pills) are like eyes of a sunset. This light is so easily perishable, but I decided on it anyway. Although I know this means giving up any chance of exit."
Sometimes she compares it to Pandora's box.
She wrote: "I know it's prohibited, but I still long for the hope found in these boxes."
In an afternoon of November 12th, 2023, she and her classmates gathered to watch gaming videos. She told one of her classmates: "This might be the last time we watch videos together."
No one thougth she was hinting at her death.
On the same day, she said she's already been "socially dead".
Maybe it's because she commonly used meaningful words, so no one thought of any further of it, too.
Dawn November 13th, 2023, she ended her young and vibrant life, and left her will:
*Shandong Rainbow Talk* and other voices focusing on transgender people mourned for Xu Yushu and tried to raise awareness of the science of being transgender.
Xu Yushu's father actively communicated with her former classroom teacher about her bullying, and been trying to raise awareness of bullying ever since she left.
After going through his memory of her growth, he thought: "Since she's always been outstanding, she was the target of jealousy and bullying. The grades-only educational environment didn't help; her genius wasn't developed Therefore, her started to fall into depression and suicide."
When Xu Yushu's doctor gave her a diagnosis of "Gender Dysphoria", he only said: "This isn't important right now. Sex is something that people do to lengthen their bloodline. We should only consider it when you're getting married. We are not considering that right now. Now it's the time to study."
After listening to the advice of the doctor, he told Xu Yushu "Try to forget it, don't let it take the center of your attention."
After her departure, her father still used male pronouns to refer to Xu Yushu, and seldomly talked about her desire of being a girl.
Obviously, Xu Yushu's father didn't have an accurate grasp of knowledge about gender (maybe because the textbook he read were outdated, maybe because he doesn't want to believe his child is transgender), and he didn't realize gender dysphoria was a major part of Xu Yushu's pressure.
While she needed support from her family the most, he failed as a core family member.
Although her parents didn't completely understand her and her anxiety within her, they still took her to see doctors with formal trainings, and gave her a certain amount of care.
Maybe in another world, she would've persisted to walk through the darkness and walk toward her ambitions again.
