The first time I met her in real life, I (The author of this entry) was immediately attracted by her gloomy temperament just like Lin Tai-yu in *A Dream of Red Mansions*.
Moreover, because she was fragile, introverted, and kind since being a child, out of worry, he often taught her what he thought was necessary to live in a society:
Capitalism, Laws, the dark side of humanity...but she often wasn't able to meet her father's standard.
She had poor grades in junior middle school, and still wasn't able to meet her family's expectations after junior middle school.
She always blamed herself for that.
After her graduation from high school, she studied at home for a year and then was able to get into a good public university.
Since she was living with her parents, she didn't have much personal space and was always blamed for things that are not her fault.
She told him, when she first started school, students were separated into groups of boys and girls to play.
She imagined playing with the girls after school.
According to some other stories told by her father, she seems to be a girl who was assigned the wrong gender at birth.
Looking at her early life, her transgender experience is similar to Einar Wegener from *The Danish Girl*.
Her gender incongruity was made apparent in as early as her childhood.
Her early male personality was formed by trying to fit in with traditional values and ethics, but that's not the real her.
Sigmund Freud explained his theory about "abnormal behaviors" in his publication *Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality*:
> Where the sexual instinct is fairly intense, but perverse, there are two possible outcomes.
>
> The first, which we shall not discuss further, is that the person affected remains a pervert and has to put up with the consequences of his deviation from the standard of civilization.
> The second is far more interesting. It is that, under the influence of education and social demands, a suppression of the perverse instincts is indeed achieved, but it is a kind of suppression which is really no suppression at all. It can better be described as a suppression that has failed.
>
> The inhibited sexual instincts are, it is true, no longer expressed as such—and this constitutes the success of the process—but they find expression in other ways, which are quite as injurious to the subject and make him quite as useless for society as satisfaction of the suppressed instincts in an unmodified form would have done. This constitutes the failure of the process, which in the long run more than counterbalances its success.
>
> The substitutive phenomena which emerge in consequence of the suppression of the instinct amount to what we call nervous illness, or, more precisely, the psychoneuroses.
>
> Neurotics are the class of people who, since they possess a recalcitrant organization, only succeed, under the influence of cultural requirements, in achieving a suppression of their instincts which is apparent and which becomes increasingly unsuccessful. They therefore only carry on their collaboration with cultural activities by a great expenditure of force and at the cost of an internal impoverishment, or are obliged at times to interrupt it and fall ill.
>
> from Freud, S. (1908). ‘Civilized’ Sexual Morality and Modern Nervous I lness. The Standard Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud, Volume IX (1906-1908): Jensen's ‘Gradiva’ and Other Works, 177-204
According to conservative values, being trans is a kind of such abnormality.
She knew her parents may not be able to accept her choices.
She thought her choice caused her parents' wishes of her void.
She was diagnosed with severe depression after a failed suicide attempt.
At that time, her father thought her trans identity was just a crossdressing fetish and was hopeful for her to be "cured" in a few years.
He thought if that problem is taken care of, then she won't be depressed, and tried to accept her and even allowing her to take HRT.
He told her he'll convince her mother, but he failed.
Her mother ran away from home after learning about the situation.
Her mother told her she wants to die and never see her again.
Before that, her parents were a loving couple who'd hold hands while going out.
They even took a new set of wedding photographs in June that same year.
Therefore, she was stuck in a dilemma between them.
Her mother's words of unacceptance was a big blow for her.
According to her character, she might think:
> If I'm no longer in this world, or if I was not born in the first place, then maybe my parents won't have to deal with me and will be happier?
She's born sentimental and has a fragile but kind heart.
In my opinion, she's a silly girl who's too kind for her own good.
She'd rather blame her misfortune on her fate rather than others' malice,
> Coming together can only be followed by parting. The more pleasure people find in parties, the more lonely and unhappy they must feel when the parties break up. So better not forgather in the first place. The same is true of flowers: the delight people when in bloom, but it's so heart-rending to see them fade that it would be better if they never blossomed.
>
> from A Dream of Red Mansions Volume I (Cao Xueqin, Gao E.), Foreign languages Press, Beijing, China, 1994 (First Published in hardback in 1978) 【第一册 P452】ISBN: 9787119006437
Since a long time ago, she wanted to avoid forming close relationships because she's afraid of the partings.
She had poor grades in middle school and was often bullied.
She couldn't fight back for unreasonable isolation and even physical abuse.
At that time, she had a close friend.
They were neighbours.
She started to learn to play basketball in order to play together.
However, they parted after he started to bully her.
Given her character and lack of therapy, this cruel experience made her eventually develop [PTSD/PTSR](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Post-traumatic_stress_disorder).
She started to be afraid of close relationships more.
Her other mental issues like severe depression is also related to this experience.
> When she remembers the horrible things she'd been through, I had seen her whole body cramping, trembling. I had seen her suffer from fear, dread, and shortness of breath.
*(The full story is very long, even after removing some details.
Since it's just me and another of her friends' comments, we'll refrain from putting [it](https://www.douban.com/note/858246014/?dt_dapp=1&_i=4897516gLA6hO2) on here.)*
For the last part of her story with the trans community, I'm both a character inside the story and a reader of the story.
In the end, I was the one who was most likely to save her life, but I wasn't able to.
She's lost, just like in her last nightmare, her call to me wasn't picked up.
Those stories all describe one thing:
A silly girl who was never given enough love keep giving the world and everyone she meets her kindness and trust.
And then she's hurt by people who just want to "have some fun" publishing her real identity online, to the point where she developed a persecution complex.
> "The wind is born from the earth, Rises from the tips of green duckweed."
>
> from Wen Xuan or Selections of Refined Literature, Volume III: Rhapsodies on Natural Phenomena, Birds and Animals, Aspirations and Feelings, Sorrowful Laments, Literature, Music, and Passions, compiled by Xiao Tong (501-531) , David R. Knechtges【P9】
If I was a more caring person, maybe I could've realized those abnormalities, maybe I could've prevented her death.
> Do not cry for love, my dear.
>
> from *Conversations About Love* by Li Yinhe
In her view, I'm a big sister who likes her.
She was too kind.
She knew love comes with pain, but she didn't want to hurt anyone.
Therefore, she gave me a complex form of love involving romantic affection, sisterly love, and gingerly care.
Since she knew she had been influenced negatively by many other trans people who have negative outlooks on life, she didn't want to "infect" those negative thoughts to me, just like she's always worried about the person in her heart.
She tried intentionally keeping a distance from me:
> Anan is a working member of society, I won't care whether you wants to be with me or not.
Wrong.
There's nothing happier in this world than being loved back by the one you love.
You had always been the vast sea and clear sky in my world.
Sorry, I was busy making a living; I was busy dealing with others.
But I forgot to hold on to your hand and lost you.
God keeps throwing the dice and it always landed on one.
Born emotionally sensitive, pressure from family, meeting the wrong people, one after one, she didn't have a chance to collect herself.
> How could such a delicate flower withstand a fierce gale, or the care-stricken willow endure torrential rain?
>
> from A Dream of Red Mansions Volume II (Cao Xueqin, Gao E.), Foreign languages Press, Beijing, China, 1994 (First Published in hardback in 1978) 【第二册 P672】ISBN: 9787119006437
I don't wanna spend more ink on those people who had betrayed her.
Humanity, though complex, always leaves traces.
She was smart enough to realize this from the beginning:
> There're happiness in life, but nothing lasts forever.
She thought lots and lots and waited for a juncture.
> The worm is in man’s heart. That is where it must be sought. One must follow and understand this fatal game that leads from lucidity in the face of experience to flight from light.
>
> from The Myth of Sisyphus, Albert Camus, Justin O'Brien, Penguin Books Ltd; Spark Publishing【P2】ISBN 13: 9781411473379
Many philosophers and authors explained well the tragedy, voidness, and absurdity of living.
Everyone is infinity if they're seen as the center of the world.{/* 这句不太对劲 */}
In essence, everyone is an island.
What one think cannot be directly experienced by any other.
> Dying voluntarily implies that you have recognized, even instinctively, the ridiculous character of that habit, the absence of any profound reason for living, the insane character of that daily agitation and the uselessness of suffering.
>
> What then is that incalculable feeling that deprives the mind of the sleep necessary to life? A world that can be explained even with bad reasons is a familiar world. But, on the other hand, in a universe suddenly divested of illusions and lights, man feels an alien, a stranger. His exile is without remedy since he is deprived of the memory of a lost home or the hope of a promised land. This divorce between man and his life, the actor and his setting, is properly the feeling of absurdity. All healthy men having thought of their own suicide, it can be seen, without further explanation, that there is a direct connection between this feeling and the longing for death.
>
> from The Myth of Sisyphus, Albert Camus, Justin O'Brien, Penguin Books Ltd; Spark Publishing【P3】ISBN 13: 9781411473379
Motivations for suicide is complex.
Few consider it throughly.
The numbness of living just for living causes pain, but suicide needs a kind of bravery that overcomes the body's natural inclination to avoid death.
"My soul is on the verge of death, but my body don't want to die."
If there's any hint of meaning at that point, death may be avoided.
What she thought to be her meaning fades completely at some point and caused her will to keep living as a habit to crumble.
In the end, she got a bad end she wanted to get in *Needy Streamer Overload*.
In the end, she chose to become one with the void as a final act of defiance to the gods:
> Ame (main character of *Needy Streamer Overload*) can restart in the next playthrough,
> but in this world,
> even if I spend my whole life,
> I'll never find that silly cat again.
> No search can be made for the incense that revives the dead, as the way to Fairy Tales is lost. No medicine that restores life can be obtained, as the Magic Barge is gone. Only yesterday I was painting those bluish eyebrows; today, who will warm her cold fingers with the jade rings?
>
> Magic Barge: Magic Barge: A Chinese legend said this belonged to the immortals and sailed in the Sky River, Milky Way.
>
> A Dream of Red Mansions Volume II (Cao Xueqin, Gao E.), Foreign languages Press, Beijing, China, 1994 (First Published in hardback in 1978) 【第二册 P672】ISBN: 9787119006437
Therefore, they always lived in their best days and never needed to worry about dying after their teeth fall off, hair become gray, or losing their beauty.
Shihai is like that, although the Sakura flower has withered, it had bloomed after all.
My dear Shihai, see you in the next life.
I believe we'll meet even then, since we've become intertwined by fate.
I still wanted to ask you why, but no one will give me an answer now no matter how many times I do.
> Freud, S. (1908). ‘Civilized’ Sexual Morality and Modern Nervous I lness. The Standard Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud, Volume IX (1906-1908): Jensen's ‘Gradiva’ and Other Works, 177-204
>
> 文段摘录
>
> Where the sexual instinct is fairly intense, but perverse, there are two possible outcomes.
>
> The first, which we shall not discuss further, is that the person affected remains a pervert and has to put up with the consequences of his deviation from the standard of civilization.
>
> The second is far more interesting. It is that, under the influence of education and social demands, a suppression of the perverse instincts is indeed achieved, but it is a kind of suppression which is really no suppression at all. It can better be described as a suppression that has failed.
>
> The inhibited sexual instincts are, it is true, no longer expressed as such—and this constitutes the success of the process—but they find expression in other ways, which are quite as injurious to the subject and make him quite as useless for society as satisfaction of the suppressed instincts in an unmodified form would have done. This constitutes the failure of the process, which in the long run more than counterbalances its success.
>
> The substitutive phenomena which emerge in consequence of the suppression of the instinct amount to what we call nervous illness, or, more precisely, the psychoneuroses.
>
> **Neurotics are the class of people who, since they possess a recalcitrant organization, only succeed, under the influence of cultural requirements, in achieving a suppression of their instincts which is apparent and which becomes increasingly unsuccessful. They therefore only carry on their collaboration with cultural activities by a great expenditure of force and at the cost of an internal impoverishment, or are obliged at times to interrupt it and fall ill.**
>
> I have described the neuroses as the ‘negative’ of the perversions [p. 189 above] because in the neuroses the perverse impulses, after being repressed, manifest themselves from the unconscious part of the mind— because the neuroses contain the same tendencies, though in a state of ‘repression’, as do the positive perversions.
> 杨宪益、戴乃迭译：Now Tai-yu naturally preferred solitude to society. She reasoned, "Coming together can only be followed by parting. The more pleasure people find in parties, the more lonely and unhappy they must feel when the parties break up. So better not forgather in the first place. The same is true of flowers: the delight people when in bloom, but it's so heart-rending to see them fade that it would be better if they never blossomed."
> A Dream of Red Mansions Volume I (Cao Xueqin, Gao E.), Foreign languages Press, Beijing, China, 1994 (First Published in hardback in 1978) 【第一册 P452】ISBN: 9787119006437
> David Hawkes 译：Dai-yu had a natural aversion to gatherings, which she rationalized by saying that since the inevitable consequence of getting together was parting, and since parting made people feel lonely and feeling lonely made them unhappy, *ergo* it was better for them not to get together in the rst place. In the same way she argued that since the owers, which give us so much pleasure when they open, only cause us a lot of extra sadness when they die, it would be better if they didn’t come out at all.
> 翻译来源：Wen Xuan or Selections of Refined Literature, Volume III: Rhapsodies on Natural Phenomena, Birds and Animals, Aspirations and Feelings, Sorrowful Laments, Literature, Music, and Passions, compiled by Xiao Tong (501-531) , David R. Knechtges【P9】
> "The worm is in man’s heart. That is where it must be sought. One must follow and understand this fatal game that leads from lucidity in the face of experience to flight from light."
> Dying voluntarily implies that you have recognized, even instinctively, the ridiculous character of that habit, the absence of any profound reason for living, the insane character of that daily agitation and the uselessness of suffering.
>
> What then is that incalculable feeling that deprives the mind of the sleep necessary to life? A world that can be explained even with bad reasons is a familiar world. But, on the other hand, in a universe suddenly divested of illusions and lights, man feels an alien, a stranger. His exile is without remedy since he is deprived of the memory of a lost home or the hope of a promised land. This divorce between man and his life, the actor and his setting, is properly the feeling of absurdity. All healthy men having thought of their own suicide, it can be seen, without further explanation, that there is a direct connection between this feeling and the longing for death.
> A Dream of Red Mansions Volume II (Cao Xueqin, Gao E.), Foreign languages Press, Beijing, China, 1994 (First Published in hardback in 1978) 【第二册 P672】ISBN: 9787119006437
> 霍本译：It is not to be thought that a shrinking flower could withstand the whirlwind’s blast, or a tender willow-tree be proof against the buffetings of the tempest.
> 戴本译：No search can be made for the incense that revives the dead, as the way to Fairy Tales is lost. No medicine that restores life can be obtained, as the Magic Barge is gone. Only yesterday I was painting those bluish eyebrows; today, who will warm her cold fingers with the jade rings?
>
> *Magic Barge*: Magic Barge: A Chinese legend said this belonged to the immortals and sailed in the Sky River, Milky Way.
> A Dream of Red Mansions Volume II (Cao Xueqin, Gao E.), Foreign languages Press, Beijing, China, 1994 (First Published in hardback in 1978) 【第二册 P672】ISBN: 9787119006437
> It were a hard thing to hunt out the Isle of the Blest from among the multitudinous islands of the ocean and bring back the immortal herb that should restore her: the raft is lost that went to look for it.
>
> It was but yesterday that I painted those delicate smoke-black eyebrows; and who is there today to warm the cold jade rings for her fingers?
