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location: Shanghai, China
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Arita is a gentle and lovely big sister. Her major is architecture/urban planning, which is actually the major that the author longed for when I was a child. In addition to architectural design, she also loves and is good at painting. She also has a camera full of various photos. She is a very artistic person. Arita also knows a lot about makeup and dressing. According to my friend, she recommends many unpopular but high-quality cosmetics brands on Xiaohongshu. She prefers rose-colored lipstick and rose-scented perfume. She sometimes lights scented candles in her room. She seems to be a person who loves life very much. According to her friends, her personality type is somewhat similar to the author's. The first impression she gives is that she speaks softly and "always sits quietly in the corner", but she is very possessive of close people. , will be willing to express their opinions on many things in the world in front of them, and want a lover who can join hands to fight the world.
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Arita is a kind and beautiful "big sister." She majors in architecture and urban planning, a field the author once dreamed of pursuing as a child. In addition to architectural design, she has a deep love for painting and is quite talented. Her camera is filled with a variety of photos, further reflecting her artistic nature. Arita also has a keen interest in makeup and fashion. According to a friend, she recommends many lesser-known but high-quality cosmetic brands on Xiaohongshu. She favors rose-colored lipstick and rose-scented perfume and often lights scented candles in her room. She strikes me as someone who truly enjoys life. Her friends describe her personality as similar to the author's. At first glance, she may come across as soft-spoken and reserved, often "sitting quietly in the corner," but she is deeply protective of those close to her. She is unafraid to share her views on various aspects of life with those she trusts and desires a partner who can stand beside her to face the world together.
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Arita's favorite band is Soda Green. In fact, Wu Qingfeng, the core figure of Soda Green, is also a singer who is often considered to have unconventional gender expression. One of her favorite songs is "Singing with You": "I can ride my imagination in your direction/Let the invisible me lean beside you and sleep so sweetly/Let the invisible you walk into my dreamland and sing with me." , is a very comforting song. Arita is also interested in TVB and British dramas, and likes two British actors, James McAvoy and Carey Mulligan. She has also watched almost all of Iwai Shunji's movies. The nickname Arita should come from one of Iwai's short films. The author later started watching the tagged videos on her Douban movie list, as if I was watching them with her, and I have almost finished them now. Sometimes I also fantasize about other things that I can do with Arita, such as cooking and cooking hot pot at home, reading novels, discussing academic topics about urban studies that we are both interested in, or traveling to the Scottish Highlands together, or letting her Provide advice for my transition (laughs)
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Arita's favorite band is Soda Green. In fact, Wu Qingfeng, the frontman of Soda Green, is often noted for his unique and unconventional gender expression. One of Arita's favorite songs is "Singing with You": "I can ride my imagination in your direction/Let the invisible me lean beside you and sleep so sweetly/Let the invisible you walk into my dreamland and sing with me." It is a song that brings comfort. Arita also enjoys TVB shows and British dramas, particularly fond of British actors James McAvoy and Carey Mulligan. She has watched almost all of Shunji Iwai's films. The name "Arita" is likely derived from one of Iwai's short films. The author later began watching movies from Arita's Douban list, almost feeling as though watching them together. Sometimes I imagine other things we could do, like cooking a hot pot at home, reading novels, discussing urban studies, or even traveling to the Scottish Highlands. I even fantasize about asking her for advice on my transition (laughs).
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Arita is sometimes troubled by depression. According to her own words, sometimes when she is in a bad mood, she simply reads Dazai Osamu's "Disqualification in the World", so that the sad emotions can first be released in the resonance and then slowly recover. She doesn't often show her negative emotions on public networks, preferring to talk to her friends in private or digest them alone. In fact, a few months before Arita's death, her roommates had noticed something strange, but maybe they didn't have time to react. A few days after her graduation photos were taken, she ultimately chose to leave us due to some currently unknown events.
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Arita occasionally struggles with depression. As she has mentioned, when she's feeling down, she often turns to reading Dazai Osamu's *Indignation in the World* to release her sadness through its resonance, before gradually healing. She tends not to share her negative emotions publicly, preferring to confide in friends privately or process them alone. A few months before her passing, her roommates noticed some changes in her behavior, but perhaps they didn't have the time or awareness to react. Shortly after her graduation photos were taken, she chose to leave us due to some currently unknown circumstances.
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Having said so much, the author has not actually communicated with Arita herself. Arita is an international student at the same school and grade as me. One day in August when I was anxious to write my thesis and my relationship was falling apart, I was very depressed. A netizen in China forwarded me a missing person notice about her. I didn’t pay much attention to it at the time. Information, after all, there are too many things to care about, but just reading the description gave me a bad feeling. Later, I moved to a new house. When another female roommate came back from a meeting with me and two boys, she suddenly mentioned that her previous roommate passed away. I thought about it for a few minutes and suddenly realized something, and then directly searched for that article. The WeChat ID in the missing person notice is my new roommate. I really couldn’t calm down after a day. Maybe this was some kind of fateful coincidence. It was like I later calculated that if I died on May 13, 2027 (which is her birthday), I would He will always be one day younger than her.
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Despite all of this, the author never personally interacted with Arita. She was an international student at my school, in the same year as me. One August day, when I was struggling with my thesis and dealing with a failing relationship, I was in a deep state of sadness. A Chinese netizen shared a missing person notice about her. At the time, I didn't pay much attention to it—there were too many things demanding my focus—but something about the description made me uneasy. Later, after I moved into a new apartment, another female roommate casually mentioned that her previous roommate had passed away. I thought about it for a while and suddenly realized the connection. I searched for the notice and discovered that the WeChat ID listed belonged to my new roommate. I was shaken and couldn’t calm down for the rest of the day. Perhaps it was fate—a strange coincidence. It felt as though I had calculated that if I were to die on May 13, 2027 (her birthday), I would always be one day younger than her.
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After Arita's death, her mobile phone was sealed by the police as evidence, so no one notified her friends in China. In the end, I became the most unpleasant person to announce the death to her friends. At that time, I posted on Weibo It's excruciatingly painful to type, and it often seems cold and stiff to read. Arita's ex-boyfriend originally wanted to send her Soda Green's remastered new album, but he has been unable to contact her for more than half a year. He and I have communicated on and off on Weibo for several months. He and Arita used to live together in Chengdu, and they gradually lost contact due to long distances a few years ago, but maybe Arita has always been the person he really liked. His final request was to visit Arita's grave, but this wish, at least for the time being, could not be fulfilled. Another friend of Arita's asked me to send her a bouquet of roses, and I sent the flowers to the place where she died on the first anniversary of her death. In fact, I ordered a strawberry cake for her on her 30th birthday.
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After Arita's death, the police sealed her phone as evidence, which meant that her friends in China weren't notified. Eventually, I was the one who had to deliver the painful news to her friends. Writing the post on Weibo was excruciating, and it often comes across as cold and stiff when I read it now. Arita's ex-boyfriend had planned to send her Soda Green's remastered new album, but after being unable to contact her for more than six months, he and I communicated sporadically through Weibo. He and Arita had lived together in Chengdu, but their contact had gradually faded over the years due to the distance. Perhaps Arita had always been the one he truly cared about. His final request was to visit her grave, but for now, that wish could not be fulfilled. Another friend asked me to send a bouquet of roses to her, and on the first anniversary of her passing, I delivered the flowers to the place where she died. I also ordered a strawberry cake for her on what would have been her 30th birthday.
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Perhaps a little unexpectedly, my new roommate and I became very good friends because of her. In fact, when I asked my roommate for a dinner date for the first or second time, she asked me directly on the way home. We are not transgender, and we, both of whom were not in a very good mental state, stayed together for a year to keep warm. We almost couldn’t stay together and returned to China, so much so that I joked that the house was a hospice care center (laughs).
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Unexpectedly, my new roommate and I became very close because of Arita. When I first asked her to join me for a meal, she was open about it, and we began spending time together. Neither of us was in a great mental state, but we found warmth in each other's company. We almost couldn't stay together and had considered returning to China, to the point where I jokingly referred to the apartment as a "hospice care center" (laughs).
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Arita is a person with many special meanings to the author, and it can be said that she is someone I have always loved. I asked Arita's ex-boyfriend before if he would be angry if I said I loved Arita, and he said no. Although my gender on Weibo is female, he also knew that I was transgender during the chat and said a lot of encouraging words to me. I am really grateful to him.
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Arita holds a very special place in the author's heart. She was someone the author truly admired. Before, I asked Arita's ex-boyfriend if he would mind if I said I loved Arita, and he assured me he wouldn't. Although my gender is listed as female on Weibo, he knew I was transgender, and he offered many encouraging words. I am truly grateful for his kindness.
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Sister, I hope we will meet one day eventually, right? Just like what the heroine in "The Phantom Thread" said at the end of the film: "...He is still waiting for me somewhere in the sky, This life, the next life, and the next life after that, no matter where my destiny takes me from now on... as long as I stay patient, I will be able to return to him again. " I believe I can do it too. I'm here, wait for me.
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Sister, I hope we will meet one day. As the heroine in *The Phantom Thread* said at the end of the film: "...He is still waiting for me somewhere in the sky. This life, the next, and the next after that. No matter where my destiny leads me, as long as I stay patient, I will return to him." I believe I can do the same. I'm here. Wait for me.
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Let’s end with a poem by Yeats, *haters of the wind*:
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Let me end with a poem by Yeats, *Haters of the Wind*:
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> I became a rush that horses tread:
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> I became a man, a hater of the wind,
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> Knowing one, out of all things, alone, that his head
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> Would not lie on the breast or his lips on the hair
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> Would not lie on the breast, or his lips on the hair
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> Of the woman that he loves, until he dies;
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> Although the rushes and the fowl of the air
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> Cry of his love with their pitiful cries.
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> Cry of his love with their pitiful cries.
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