104 lines
3.9 KiB
Markdown
104 lines
3.9 KiB
Markdown
---
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name: Juezhe
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info:
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alias: Juezhe
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location: Guangxi, China
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---
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## Introduction
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> Juezhe was a trans girl who grew up in the rural areas of Guangxi. Though she didn't have much formal education, she carried within her a unique courage.
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>
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> We often see many trans women with different backgrounds and experiences.
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>
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> We might find it easier to notice those girls who shine brightly, trying to break barriers with their knowledge and education.
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>
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> But across this vast land, there are many more trans women who deserve to be seen.
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>
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> Juezhe didn't leave many words, so we have preserved her first-person narrative to retain more of her presence in this world.
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>
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> "Girls, don’t be ashamed... you’re not a freak, everyone is always with you."
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>
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> —— One Among Us
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## Juezhe's Self Narration
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When I was in elementary school,
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I really liked the smooth, hairless skin of girls and how they could dress however they wanted, grow long hair, and braid it.
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Most importantly, they could wear skirts, which was awesome.
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Every time I saw other girls, I envied them very much.
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I secretly wore my sister's skirt once.
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I was so happy but also very scared, scared of being discovered.
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I hated my secondary sexual characteristics.
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Why couldn't I be a girl...
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I hated the labels they put on me.
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I couldn’t accept that,
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but gender isn’t something you can choose.
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I was destined not to change anything.
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In others' minds,
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boys were supposed to be rough and messy.
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I have a very considerate sister who always took care of me.
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When I talked back and got hit by my dad,
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she was always the first to comfort me.
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I felt very happy staying with her,
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but this short-lived happiness only lasted until she graduated from elementary school...
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Maybe it was partly because of family reasons.
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When I was young, my dad smoked, drank, gambled, and liked to commit domestic violence.
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He often hit me, leaving bruises and marks.
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Once he beat me so hard that a thick black mark was left on my calf.
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After a few instances of domestic violence,
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my mom left to work in another province.
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My dad often gambled till late and didn’t come home.
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I was too scared to sleep alone,
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so I kept the TV on and hid in the corner of the bed by the wall.
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Maybe growing up in this kind of loveless environment made me crave love even more...
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I belonged to the passive personality type,
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without my own opinions,
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always feeling self-pity,
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always escaping,
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overly caring about others' evaluations,
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and yearning for recognition.
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No matter how sad I was,
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I would always force a smile in front of others,
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afraid of being misunderstood.
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Although only my childhood friend was willing to hang out with me,
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I longed even more to play with girls.
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When I saw female classmates playing string figure or jump rope,
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I wanted to join them but didn’t have the courage,
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so I could only watch from afar.
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I remember very clearly one time during long-break,
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I stood in the corner watching girls play jump rope for a long time.
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I wanted so badly to join them but was afraid of being laughed at,
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so I didn’t dare to speak.
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In the end, one girl noticed me and invited me to play.
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Just as I was about to go over, the bell rang.
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I was really sad then, and this memory still stays with me...
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Sigh...
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I kept these thoughts to myself and never told anyone.
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Until one day,
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I stumbled upon information about transgenders, estrogen, and transitioning on the internet.
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This changed my rigid mindset, and after learning more, I unhesitatingly sought out ways to start HRT...
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## Juezhe's Departure
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> "I never really hoped to be accepted. Born a misfit..."
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On that day, that girl went to a secluded mountain, intending to end it all.
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She knew her family's financial situation couldn’t support her transition nor save her life.
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She always felt like a burden...
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> "The liquid was so strong, so bitter, and so salty..."
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>
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> "I hope in the next life I can be a girl... Sorry for making everyone worry even in death..."
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Say goodnight to that girl, she was just too tired, and fell asleep...
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