f8e8c6ba4d
* [U] Update photos for mikaela_khara * [T] Test * [T] Test * [U] Update entry for mikaela_khara * [U] Update entry for mikaela_khara * [U] Update entry for mikaela_khara * [U] Update entry for mikaela_khara
11 KiB
| name | info | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Mikaela Khara |
|
Like a warbling oriole gliding below the blossom...
Like a mountain spring purling down a bank...
- Immersed in love and being loved -
When it comes to the wounds caused by love, Mika must be mentioned.
"But after meeting Spring Khara, I realized how happy it is to have someone with me."
"But now I have to lose her..."
"I don't want to go on alone anymore."
"Being alone is painful, and I can't see hope."
"𝓠𝓾𝓪𝓷, are you there?"
"Can I give you my Twitter account password?"
"It's somewhat bitter..."
"Spring is leaving for Japan, maybe she's boarding the plane now. Tell her I love her."
"I bought some ice cream. When my stomach starts to ache, I'll eat some to suppress it."
"It won't be painful. It won't."
<PhotoScroll photos={[ '${path}/photos/photo1.png', ]} />
Mikaela Khara, also known as Mika, was a 16-year-old trans girl from Beijing.
She was a top student who attended a special class in a Beijing high school, and her family was fairly well-off.
She enjoyed playing Dead by Daylight and researching network engineering. Many people were willing to engage with her; she had a wide range of hobbies, and she gave off a very reliable "big sister" vibe. Of course, she was indeed older than me. But the reliability I once thought she had was just a feeling after all...
She had a sense of humor, was very caring towards others, but also struggled with gender identity and inner struggle. She showed a lively side of herself, but upon closer observation, she revealed a deep awareness of her own situation.
First Meeting
I first met Mika on the night of July 31st, 2023. Her intention was clear —— she wanted to "ship" me and Jing Jiangbie as a couple.
Later on, I learned that she was in a relationship with Spring Khara. Even though they hadn't been together long, I could tell from their conversations that they deeply loved each other. At that time, she was one of my "little bells1" as I often saw her and Spring flaunting their affection for each other.
Through our chats, I began to realize that Mika’s family likely offered little emotional support. She was longed for love and companionship and tended to become emotionally dependent on others. About half a month later, the four of us created a small group chat. Almost every night, we’d make calls together, and sometimes we’d watch Mika play Dead by Daylight in the voice channel.
I regret never watching Mika play. Unfortunately, I was busy researching ways to earn money to prepare for my own independence and financial needs.
The Breaking Point
Money was precisely the breaking point for Mika’s despair.
In late August, she tried coming out but ended up facing serious opposition. What started as a typical situation—family conflict, her parents not wanting her to undergo hormone replacement therapy (HRT). So Mika running away from home only to be brought back by the police—ended in conflict resolution at the local police station.
That was originally just a typical thing.
That night, Mika, Spring and I discussed her family conflicts and provided her with psychological support.
Spring realized she had an untouched ¥20,000 (~$2,800, 2023-09) that her family didn’t know about and asked me for advice on how to invest it.
The two of them had a simple plan: escape together. The next day, they opened a joint account at China Merchants Bank (CMB).
Once they had money, they began indulging in high expenses frequently, posting on Twitter about their luxurious dates.
...
By September, I started noticing cracks in their relationship due to their financial strain and Mika's dependency on Spring.
Later, I found out that Mika sought out Yemaomao for companionship, and what happened during that time was something Spring found hard to accept.
Mika simply wanted to escape because she couldn't bear her family’s constraints on her gender identity.
...
From September 21st to October 4th, Mika and Spring were in a toxic relationship. Mika used Spring’s last bit of money to buy a box of Progynon Depot, but she barely took a few shots in the end.
Mika mostly wanted to be loved and cared for, trying her best to please others. However, her circumstances trapped her, making her love seem pathological to Spring, though it was still genuine.
From Xiawafang to Tianjin Eye
On October 15th, Mika suddenly contacted me, asking if I could take over her Twitter account. I was on my way to Tianjin Library but suddenly realized something was wrong. Huai An (𝓠𝓾𝓪𝓷's classmate in high school) and I decided to get off at XIAWAFANG Station2 and call the police to save Mika. Before leaving the station, I briefly called Mika, trying to calm her down.
"It’s no use. I’ve locked the door from the inside." "Tell Spring I love her very much."
Those were Mika’s last words, and at that moment, I felt utterly powerless.
To be continued...
I received confirmed news of Mika’s departure on October 24th.
Because of a previous competition I qualified for, I went to Sanchakou(three-river-junction) that day.
Since parking wasn’t allowed inside the Children's Palace, we changed clothes in the parking lot beneath the Tianjin Eye.
And just as we got out of the car, the message came through:
“They couldn’t bring her back.”
“This is Yongle Bridge, with the Tianjin Eye perched on top. It’s a perfect spot for a date. If you ever have the chance to visit, I’ll treat you to a ride~”
“Thank you, 𝓠𝓾𝓪𝓷~ I’ve been thinking about riding it for a while. When the time comes, will you join me?”
As I stood before the Tianjin Eye, these memories came flooding back, freezing everything in place. I forced myself to suppress the sorrow, and although I didn’t perform well, I still completed the final performance of the competition.
Later, I asked a friend about their impression of Mika:
I think Mika was just a poor child, probably insecure and desperately wanting someone to rely on.
Her experiences were so similar to mine.
Her body was covered in scars from the beatings she endured at home. When I saw them, I wanted to cry.
I think... she probably died full of grievances. It didn’t seem like relief at all.
From what I could tell, before she died, she still wanted to feel love. If someone could have gone to her in person and hugged her, it might have made a difference.
I could have gone...
I had promised to visit her in December, to spend Christmas with her, to make dumplings and eat boiled shrimp together.
There were times when it felt like she was begging me to come.
From Sanchakou, if you follow the Ziya River and the North Canal upstream, the currents will carry you northward, all the way to the heart of Beijing.
And now, here I am, standing at Sanchakou, where past memories and thoughts all seem to converge.
Her sudden departure brought everything to an abrupt halt, as if all the stories left unfinished were frozen in that moment.
All those promises...making dumplings, celebrating Christmas...have now become dreams with nowhere to rest.
I don’t think Mika truly wanted to leave this world. She was just so desperate for someone to hear her inner cries, for someone to hold her and offer her a place to belong. She lived too clearly in a world too complicated, and she carried that clarity alone, hidden beneath layers of pain that eventually overwhelmed her like a flood.
“If I had realized sooner and been firmer, would things have turned out differently?”
This question haunts me like a recurring nightmare. But time moves on without compassion, moving forward without pause, leaving us only with regret and endless longing.
Standing at Sanchakou, the cold wind brushes against my face.
Before me, the rivers flow endlessly—they merge, part, and course toward the Bohai Sea, never turning back, much like life itself.
Mika once said,
“I hope that one day we can sit on the Tianjin Eye and admire the view together.”
I know now that she may never get to see that view.
But her story, her love, and her misunderstood persistence will forever remain in the hearts of those who remember her.
Love has never really disappears...it’s just that we can no longer speak it to her in person.
<PhotoScroll photos={[ '${path}/photos/photo2.jpg', '${path}/photos/photo3.jpg', '${path}/photos/photo4.jpg', ]} />
Epilogue
Mika’s story includes many aspects that I can’t openly share, such as details about her family, friends. And those close to her advised me to keep certain things private. So I can only write up to this point.
One night, in a group chat, I was on a call with Mika.
"𝓠𝓾𝓪𝓷, I really want to contribute to the community."
"I want to help many people like me survive."
"But my situation and environment make it difficult."
"If there’s a chance, maybe in the future, I’ll start a company with the name XiaoYaoNiang(XYN)."
"I think those sisters who run shelters are really amazing."
"If I could one day be like them, able to help others…"
"That would be so wonderful."
This is the origin of XYN (Tianjin) Technology.
Excerpt from: 𝓠𝓾𝓪𝓷's Chronicle Issue No.33, 2023
-
"Little bells" originally refers to the notification feature on Twitter that alerts users when someone they follow posts a tweet. Users can choose to enable or disable these notifications for specific accounts. Here, 'Little Bell' refers to 𝓠𝓾𝓪𝓷 enabling notifications for certain mutual followers (mutuals) to ensure she could promptly like their posts. At that time, 𝓠𝓾𝓪𝓷 maintained such interactions with around 300 mutuals. ↩︎
-
XIAWAFANG Station is an interchange station between Lines 1 and 5 of the Tianjin Rail Transit. Heading south from this station leads to WENHUAZHONGXIN (Cultural Centre) Station, where the Tianjin Library (Cultural Centre Branch) is located." ↩︎