122 lines
4.0 KiB
Markdown
122 lines
4.0 KiB
Markdown
---
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name: Jennifer
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info:
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alias: Jennife, Jennifer
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location: Hebei, China
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---
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> I am in so much pain, indeed.
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>
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> I also know that many transgender friends on Twitter are in pain as well.
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>
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> But we all have to strive to live.
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>
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> Even if no one around me supports me, I know that you are there across the internet.
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>
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> So I am not alone.
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## Experience
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Jennifer was a trans girl longing for happiness.
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When she was 13 years old,
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she told her parents for the first time, "**I want to be a girl.**"
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However, her parents dismissed it,
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thinking that she was influenced by her classmates,
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and strongly denied her thought with harsh words.
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At that time, Jennifer didn't know what "transgender" meant,
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but she understood the negative connotation of her parents' harsh words.
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Nevertheless, she bravely expressed her wish to them:
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> "I just want to be a normal girl, to study and live like other girls..."
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In her innocence,
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she thought they would understand,
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but it was only the beginning of her nightmare.
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After starting junior high school,
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she tried to make her parents understand her better.
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So she start to find information about "transgender" online.
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She even read academic papers, attempting to communicate with her parents.
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Jennifer said:
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> "Transgender identity is something I was born with... It's just that a girl's soul is in the wrong body. I don't even ask for SRS. But can you just let me wear girls' clothes, and grow my hair long? I know I'm not pretty, but is it a crime to want to wear girls' clothes?"
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But all her efforts were in vain,
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and what she received in return was more scolding.
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Later, in a state of extreme mental distress,
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she got into a vocational high school.
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However, after one year,
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her parents forced her to take a gap,
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claiming that "vocational schools are full of bad kids."
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Since then, she had been living under her parents' constant surveillance,
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with no privacy and no sense of security.
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Nearly four years of mental control caused her to develop several mental illnesses.
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Online psychometric scales showed that she was severely depressed, anxious, and mentally exhausted, but she couldn't go to a regular hospital for treatment.
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In June 2023, Jennifer turned 18.
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She was eager to find a job and leave home.
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Due to her lack of education,
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she could only work at a local beverage shop,
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earning just enough to make ends meet.
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But she knew it would be a long time to escape her original family.
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She had to present herself as male for job interviews and work,
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and everyone referred to her with the wrong pronouns,
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which caused her great distress.
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> "I really can't live with a mask on... Is it so hard to be myself..."
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Despite this, she felt that even working as a server every day was better than staying in the suffocating environment at home.
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She seemed to see a glimmer of hope.
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During that time, she even thought that if she could just endure and save enough money,
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she could live on her own and free herself from her family.
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Unfortunately, her improved mental state didn't last long.
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Her depression and anxiety often caused uncontrollable episodes,
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and after working for just over a month,
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she had to leave her job and return home.
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After returning home,
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the harsh words flooded her ears once again.
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But by then,
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her heart had grown numb.
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## Departure
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Jennifer once said, "Jennifer is a strong girl nya~ Jennifer won't block anyone."
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But there was one time, and the last time,
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she made an exception:
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"I blocked the account of Han Lianyi. I think she's a great person, but I don't want her to save me. I'm sorry, Sister Han, I'm so sorry..."
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As the New Year approached,
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fireworks and firecrackers were alight with spark,
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carrying people's best wishes.
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The warm glow of lights filled thousands of homes.
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But Jennifer left this world in the biting cold wind,
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Her story remained in the New Year's Eve.
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Brief illusions brought her happiness and kept her from the cold...
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But until the end of her story,
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she never got to take estrogen,
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wear a beautiful dress,
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or be called "Miss."
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Jennifer, may you no longer suffer and find the happiness in another world.
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