one-among-us-data/people/shihai4h/page.en.md

---
name: Shihai
info:
    alias: 小柿子, 猫小泪, u3
    location: Kunshan, Suzhou, Jiangsu
---

## Description

<PhotoScroll photos={[
'${path}/photos/photo1.jpg',
'${path}/photos/photo2.jpg',
]} />

Shihai was a naive girl who preferred to stand by the window, gazing into the distance and losing in thought, just like her favourite QQ avators.
In that state, she won't notice you if you walk close to her quietly.

The first time I met her in real life, I (The author of this entry) was immediately attracted by her gloomy temperament just like Lin Tai-yu in *A Dream of Red Mansions*.

<PhotoScroll photos={[
'${path}/photos/photo3.jpg',
]} />

（The preceding photo is Shihai measuring her height）

## Her Family

Her hometown is located inside the Central Plains.
Conservative values is dominant there.
Her grandfather had two sons because of birth control legislations.
Her uncle (the elder son) had one daughter (her sister); her father had one "son" (her).

They had a tradition of throwing away the placenta for female babies and burying the placenta in the center of the courtyard for male babies.
Therefore, she had an enormous amount of pressure put on her for "extending the family line" ever since her birth.

Her father was whom we'd call a "traditional father" who follows Machismo.
In 2023, her father started to be even more strict with her after he almost died from a disease.

Her father was proficient in Math and Economics.
He wanted to raise her to be "a man who can support the sky while standing on the ground".
He said "I want him to be resilient and unyielding, but he's too kind; he can't do it."
Moreover, because she was fragile, introverted, and kind since being a child, out of worry, he often taught her what he thought was necessary to live in a society: 
Capitalism, Laws, the dark side of humanity...but she often wasn't able to meet her father's standard.

She had poor grades in junior middle school, and still wasn't able to meet her family's expectations after junior middle school.
She always blamed herself for that.
After her graduation from high school, she studied at home for a year and then was able to get into a good public university.
Since she was living with her parents, she didn't have much personal space and was always blamed for things that are not her fault.
For example, when she plays a game to take a break from studies, she'd be blamed for "always playing games".
Therefore, she was always depressed.

## Her Transgender Experience

Her father told us how she was like as a child.
Ever since she was a child, she acted femininely.
She told him, when she first started school, students were separated into groups of boys and girls to play.
She imagined playing with the girls after school.
According to some other stories told by her father, she seems to be a girl who was assigned the wrong gender at birth.

Looking at her early life, her transgender experience is similar to Einar Wegener from *The Danish Girl*.
Her gender incongruity was made apparent in as early as her childhood.
Her early male personality was formed by trying to fit in with traditional values and ethics, but that's not the real her.

Sigmund Freud explained his theory about "abnormal behaviors" in his publication *Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality*:
> Where the sexual instinct is fairly intense, but perverse, there are two possible outcomes.
>
> The first, which we shall not discuss further, is that the person affected remains a pervert and has to put up with the consequences of his deviation from the standard of civilization.
> The second is far more interesting. It is that, under the influence of education and social demands, a suppression of the perverse instincts is indeed achieved, but it is a kind of suppression which is really no suppression at all. It can better be described as a suppression that has failed.
>
> The inhibited sexual instincts are, it is true, no longer expressed as such—and this constitutes the success of the process—but they find expression in other ways, which are quite as injurious to the subject and make him quite as useless for society as satisfaction of the suppressed instincts in an unmodified form would have done. This constitutes the failure of the process, which in the long run more than counterbalances its success.
>
> The substitutive phenomena which emerge in consequence of the suppression of the instinct amount to what we call nervous illness, or, more precisely, the psychoneuroses.
>
> Neurotics are the class of people who, since they possess a recalcitrant organization, only succeed, under the influence of cultural requirements, in achieving a suppression of their instincts which is apparent and which becomes increasingly unsuccessful. They therefore only carry on their collaboration with cultural activities by a great expenditure of force and at the cost of an internal impoverishment, or are obliged at times to interrupt it and fall ill.
>
> from Freud, S. (1908). ‘Civilized’ Sexual Morality and Modern Nervous I lness. The Standard Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud, Volume IX (1906-1908): Jensen's ‘Gradiva’ and Other Works, 177-204

According to conservative values, being trans is a kind of such abnormality.
She knew her parents may not be able to accept her choices.
She thought her choice caused her parents' wishes of her void.
She was diagnosed with severe depression after a failed suicide attempt.
At that time, her father thought her trans identity was just a crossdressing fetish and was hopeful for her to be "cured" in a few years.
He thought if that problem is taken care of, then she won't be depressed, and tried to accept her and even allowing her to take HRT.
He told her he'll convince her mother, but he failed.

Her mother ran away from home after learning about the situation.
Her mother told her she wants to die and never see her again.
Before that, her parents were a loving couple who'd hold hands while going out.
They even took a new set of wedding photographs in June that same year.
Therefore, she was stuck in a dilemma between them.
Her mother's words of unacceptance was a big blow for her.
According to her character, she might think:
> If I'm no longer in this world, or if I was not born in the first place, then maybe my parents won't have to deal with me and will be happier?

She's born sentimental and has a fragile but kind heart.
In my opinion, she's a silly girl who's too kind for her own good.
She'd rather blame her misfortune on her fate rather than others' malice,
just like Tai-Yu's negative outlook on life and relationships:
> Coming together can only be followed by parting. The more pleasure people find in parties, the more lonely and unhappy they must feel when the parties break up. So better not forgather in the first place. The same is true of flowers: the delight people when in bloom, but it's so heart-rending to see them fade that it would be better if they never blossomed.
>
> from A Dream of Red Mansions Volume I (Cao Xueqin, Gao E.), Foreign languages Press, Beijing, China, 1994 (First Published in hardback in 1978) 【第一册 P452】ISBN: 9787119006437

Since a long time ago, she wanted to avoid forming close relationships because she's afraid of the partings.

She had poor grades in middle school and was often bullied.
She couldn't fight back for unreasonable isolation and even physical abuse.
At that time, she had a close friend.
They were neighbours.
She started to learn to play basketball in order to play together.
However, they parted after he started to bully her.
That was her first resistance.
With teary eyes, she questioned:
> Why'd you bully me too?

Given her character and lack of therapy, this cruel experience made her eventually develop [PTSD/PTSR](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Post-traumatic_stress_disorder).
She started to be afraid of close relationships more.
Her other mental issues like severe depression is also related to this experience.

> When she remembers the horrible things she'd been through, I had seen her whole body cramping, trembling. I had seen her suffer from fear, dread, and shortness of breath.
> But I was too neglectful and obtuse.
> I didn't realize the severity of the situation and the difficulty of dealing with it.
> If I realized, maybe things could be different.

She inherited the stubbornness of her father.
Her father researched nutritionalism and sports in order to make her grow taller.
At that time, she wanted to grow taller as well, therefore she did as he instructed:
eating one meal per day and doing lots of exercise.
She had learnt of HRT since high school, but couldn't decide on it.
After starting HRT, she started to regret for her efforts to grow taller in the past.
She suffered from gender dysphoria from her height, which was especially painful for her, who was both mentally unwell and stubborn.

## She and the Trans Community

*(The full story is very long, even after removing some details.
Since it's just me and another of her friends' comments, we'll refrain from putting [it](https://www.douban.com/note/858246014/?dt_dapp=1&_i=4897516gLA6hO2) on here.)*

For the last part of her story with the trans community, I'm both a character inside the story and a reader of the story.
In the end, I was the one who was most likely to save her life, but I wasn't able to.
She's lost, just like in her last nightmare, her call to me wasn't picked up.

Those stories all describe one thing:

A silly girl who was never given enough love keep giving the world and everyone she meets her kindness and trust.
And then she's hurt by people who just want to "have some fun" publishing her real identity online, to the point where she developed a persecution complex.
She was continuously influenced by the negative thoughts of the ones she trusted and relied on the most, and then cut off and isolated.
On this timeline, there were tons of points where she could've gotten better, but her luck is just too bad.

I'm not a great person.
I'm a numb person who keeps living in my own world and only understood everything after she left.
I didn't know anything about her oppressive family and those cruel things happened to her.
My cold heart didn't experience her suffering, as an ancient Chinese poet wrote in his prose:

> "The wind is born from the earth, Rises from the tips of green duckweed."
> 
> from Wen Xuan or Selections of Refined Literature, Volume III: Rhapsodies on Natural Phenomena, Birds and Animals, Aspirations and Feelings, Sorrowful Laments, Literature, Music, and Passions, compiled by Xiao Tong (501-531) , David R. Knechtges【P9】

If I was a more caring person, maybe I could've realized those abnormalities, maybe I could've prevented her death.

> Do not cry for love, my dear.
>
> from *Conversations About Love* by Li Yinhe

In her view, I'm a big sister who likes her.
She was too kind.
She knew love comes with pain, but she didn't want to hurt anyone.
Therefore, she gave me a complex form of love involving romantic affection, sisterly love, and gingerly care.
Since she knew she had been influenced negatively by many other trans people who have negative outlooks on life, she didn't want to "infect" those negative thoughts to me, just like she's always worried about the person in her heart.

She tried intentionally keeping a distance from me:
> Anan is a working member of society, I won't care whether you wants to be with me or not.
Wrong.

There's nothing happier in this world than being loved back by the one you love.
You had always been the vast sea and clear sky in my world.
Sorry, I was busy making a living; I was busy dealing with others.
But I forgot to hold on to your hand and lost you.

## Absurdity and Suicide, the Last Chapter

God keeps throwing the dice and it always landed on one.
Born emotionally sensitive, pressure from family, meeting the wrong people, one after one, she didn't have a chance to collect herself.

> How could such a delicate flower withstand a fierce gale, or the care-stricken willow endure torrential rain?
> 
> from A Dream of Red Mansions Volume II (Cao Xueqin, Gao E.), Foreign languages Press, Beijing, China, 1994 (First Published in hardback in 1978) 【第二册 P672】ISBN: 9787119006437

I don't wanna spend more ink on those people who had betrayed her.
Humanity, though complex, always leaves traces.
She was smart enough to realize this from the beginning:
> There're happiness in life, but nothing lasts forever.
> There're imperfections in good things, and fortunes always come with small prints.
> Happiness would turn into sadness; people come and go.
> In the end it's like a dream, everything turns to void.
> Maybe it's not worth it in the first place.
>
> from Chapter 1, The Dream of Red Mansion(Jia-Xu Version), Translated by *One Among Us Member* with the help of Li'an

She thought lots and lots and waited for a juncture.
> The worm is in man’s heart. That is where it must be sought. One must follow and understand this fatal game that leads from lucidity in the face of experience to flight from light.
>
> from The Myth of Sisyphus, Albert Camus, Justin O'Brien, Penguin Books Ltd; Spark Publishing【P2】ISBN 13: 9781411473379

Many philosophers and authors explained well the tragedy, voidness, and absurdity of living.
Everyone is infinity if they're seen as the center of the world.{/* 这句不太对劲 */}
In essence, everyone is an island.
What one think cannot be directly experienced by any other.
In this view, anyone's consciousness is always alone.

People spend their lives to beg for love from the world, but disappointment is often what follows.
At those points, the meaninglessness and disappointing nature of the world would be shown completely.
But humanity contains hope for love, happiness, and rationality.
Absurdity and meaninglessness is then born from the conflict of humanity's hope and world's nature.
Realizing they are enduring this absurd world, some may be motivated for suicide.

> Dying voluntarily implies that you have recognized, even instinctively, the ridiculous character of that habit, the absence of any profound reason for living, the insane character of that daily agitation and the uselessness of suffering.
>
> What then is that incalculable feeling that deprives the mind of the sleep necessary to life? A world that can be explained even with bad reasons is a familiar world. But, on the other hand, in a universe suddenly divested of illusions and lights, man feels an alien, a stranger. His exile is without remedy since he is deprived of the memory of a lost home or the hope of a promised land. This divorce between man and his life, the actor and his setting, is properly the feeling of absurdity. All healthy men having thought of their own suicide, it can be seen, without further explanation, that there is a direct connection between this feeling and the longing for death.
>
> from The Myth of Sisyphus, Albert Camus, Justin O'Brien, Penguin Books Ltd; Spark Publishing【P3】ISBN 13: 9781411473379

Motivations for suicide is complex.
Few consider it throughly.
The numbness of living just for living causes pain, but suicide needs a kind of bravery that overcomes the body's natural inclination to avoid death.
"My soul is on the verge of death, but my body don't want to die."
If there's any hint of meaning at that point, death may be avoided.
What she thought to be her meaning fades completely at some point and caused her will to keep living as a habit to crumble.

Albert Camus had a positive outlook on life.
He often nostalgically recalled the vast sea and clear sky from his hometown.
He realized the absurdity of life, but he also realized he could live however he wanted.
He knew he couldn't rid the evil of the world, but he embraced the absurdity of live anyway.
But my dear Shihai, this world had lost the vast sea and clear sky she was so fond of.
What an world would make people choose to die rather than living?
How absurd.

In the end, she said "Living is just eating, drinking, playing, and having sex.", "World abandoned me so I'll abandon it too."

In the end, she got a bad end she wanted to get in *Needy Streamer Overload*.

In the end, she chose to become one with the void as a final act of defiance to the gods:
> Ame (main character of *Needy Streamer Overload*) can restart in the next playthrough,
> but in this world,
> even if I spend my whole life,
> I'll never find that silly cat again.

> No search can be made for the incense that revives the dead, as the way to Fairy Tales is lost. No medicine that restores life can be obtained, as the Magic Barge is gone. Only yesterday I was painting those bluish eyebrows; today, who will warm her cold fingers with the jade rings?
>
> Magic Barge: Magic Barge: A Chinese legend said this belonged to the immortals and sailed in the Sky River, Milky Way.
>
> A Dream of Red Mansions Volume II (Cao Xueqin, Gao E.), Foreign languages Press, Beijing, China, 1994 (First Published in hardback in 1978) 【第二册 P672】ISBN: 9787119006437

The morning after she left, it snowed.
I thought, such a kind being must have gone to that star in the sky and became a god of snow.

The Japanese like to use Sakura flowers as a metaphor for human life.
They bloom for just a moment and then wither.
Her life is just like that.

Mishima Yukio wrote a life of rebirth in *The Decay of the Angel*.
Every time they reaches 18, they'd be reborn in another life.
Therefore, they always lived in their best days and never needed to worry about dying after their teeth fall off, hair become gray, or losing their beauty.

Shihai is like that, although the Sakura flower has withered, it had bloomed after all.

My dear Shihai, see you in the next life.
I believe we'll meet even then, since we've become intertwined by fate.
I still wanted to ask you why, but no one will give me an answer now no matter how many times I do.

Contributor: [Li'an](https://twitter.com/LianShihai)

{/* Following are en localization notes, available for consultation.

中原：Zhongyuan, the Central Plain(s)

林黛玉（林妹妹）：Lin Dai-yu(David Hawkes)  Lin Tai-yu (杨宪益、戴乃迭)

胎衣：在中医中指的是胎盘(placenta)和胎膜(fetal membrane)的合称，又称紫河车，在临床医学中仅指胎膜(fetal membrane)。

丹麦女孩：The Danish Girl

弗洛伊德：Sigmund Freud

《性学三论》：
> 德语：Drei Abhandlungen zur Sexualtheorie
>
> 英语：Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality / Three Contributions to the Theory of Sex

精神病患者就是一群违心地去适应了文化要求的影响，痛苦地压制了内心的欲望，竭尽全力地为文化的形成添砖加瓦的人，他们为此殚精竭虑，因此时不时地会显露出病态：
> 本段实则出自：文明的性道德与现代神经症 （"Civilized" Sexual Morality and Modern Nervous Illness） 
>
> 在部分中文书籍中会将其收入《性学三论》
> 
> 《性学三论》JAMES STRACHEY 英译本里没有这个章节，本翻譯来源于：
>
> Freud, S. (1908). ‘Civilized’ Sexual Morality and Modern Nervous I lness. The Standard Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud, Volume IX (1906-1908): Jensen's ‘Gradiva’ and Other Works, 177-204
>
> 文段摘录
>
> Where the sexual instinct is fairly intense, but perverse, there are two possible outcomes. 
> 
> The first, which we shall not discuss further, is that the person affected remains a pervert and has to put up with the consequences of his deviation from the standard of civilization. 
> 
> The second is far more interesting. It is that, under the influence of education and social demands, a suppression of the perverse instincts is indeed achieved, but it is a kind of suppression which is really no suppression at all. It can better be described as a suppression that has failed. 
> 
> The inhibited sexual instincts are, it is true, no longer expressed as such—and this constitutes the success of the process—but they find expression in other ways, which are quite as injurious to the subject and make him quite as useless for society as satisfaction of the suppressed instincts in an unmodified form would have done. This constitutes the failure of the process, which in the long run more than counterbalances its success. 
> 
> The substitutive phenomena which emerge in consequence of the suppression of the instinct amount to what we call nervous illness, or, more precisely, the psychoneuroses. 
> 
> **Neurotics are the class of people who, since they possess a recalcitrant organization, only succeed, under the influence of cultural requirements, in achieving a suppression of their instincts which is apparent and which becomes increasingly unsuccessful. They therefore only carry on their collaboration with cultural activities by a great expenditure of force and at the cost of an internal impoverishment, or are obliged at times to interrupt it and fall ill.**
> 
> I have described the neuroses as the ‘negative’ of the perversions [p. 189 above] because in the neuroses the perverse impulses, after being repressed, manifest themselves from the unconscious part of the mind— because the neuroses contain the same tendencies, though in a state of ‘repression’, as do the positive perversions.

红楼梦：A Dream of Red Mansions(杨宪益、戴乃迭) The Story of the Stone (David Hawkes)

『那红尘中有却有些乐事，但不能永远依恃。况又有「美中不足，好事多魔」八个字紧相连属，瞬息间则又乐极悲生、人非物换，究竟是到头一梦，万境归空，倒不如不去的好。』：

> 本段源自甲戌本**第一回**，英译本葡萄牙传教士本、霍本、杨本、互联网档案馆-香港大学图书馆数码化项目使用的版本没有经过甲戌本的校对，故无。
>
> 梨安给的注释：
> 那红尘中有却有些乐事，但不能永远依恃。况又有「美中不足，好事多魔」八个字紧相连属：
> 
> 周汝昌：对真、善、美的糟蹋与破坏，人世惯于以假乱真，以恶欺善，以丑代美。
> 
> 我的理解是如果用现代哲学的话来说就是，这是对一种人生悲剧感和荒诞的体会，瞬息间则又乐极悲生、人非物换，究竟是到头一梦，万境归空，倒不如不去的好。
> 
>（脂批：四句乃一部之总纲）
>
> 说透了人生的过程总是逃脱不了“瞬息间则又乐极悲生、人非物换”的悲剧，人生的结局就是归于虚无，到头一梦，万境皆空。
> 脂砚斋说这四句是这本书的总纲，我的理解也是。红楼梦里包含的这种哲学，柿海心里也是这么想的，我很懂这一点，因为她在前几天还说过，人生不过吃喝玩乐性而已。
> 
> 很多哲学家，作家都可以很好的解释人生存在的这种悲剧，痛苦，虚无，荒诞。每个人都是以自己为中心的无限大，在最本质上都是孤立的人，他者对自身的意志来说，都是很虚无的东西，这么看，人最核心的精神意志是很孤独的。人终其一生不过是在向世界祈求爱，但是失望总是常态，这个时候，就看到了这个世界的杂乱无章和毫无意义，感受到这个世界站在希望的对立，但人性里有对爱，幸福理性这种美好东西的希望。荒诞感和无意义就产生于这种人性的呼唤和世界的不合理之间，于是就有了人生的悲剧感。自杀的动机，就此开始在心灵深处酝酿成熟，判断值不值得活，在心灵深处得到了否定的答案

就像林妹妹的天生伤感，喜散不喜聚一样：「人有聚就有散，聚时欢喜，到散时岂不冷清？既冷清，则生感伤，所以不如到是不聚的好。比如那花，开时令人爱慕，谢时则增惆怅，所以到是不开的好。」：

> 原文选自红楼梦第三十一回：林黛玉天生喜散不喜聚，他想的也有个道理，「人有聚就有散，聚时欢喜，到散时岂不冷清？既冷清，则生感伤，所以不如到是不聚的好。比如那花，开时令人爱慕，谢时则增惆怅，所以到是不开的好。」
>
> 杨宪益、戴乃迭译：Now Tai-yu naturally preferred solitude to society. She reasoned, "Coming together can only be followed by parting. The more pleasure people find in parties, the more lonely and unhappy they must feel when the parties break up. So better not forgather in the first place. The same is true of flowers: the delight people when in bloom, but it's so heart-rending to see them fade that it would be better if they never blossomed."
>
> A Dream of Red Mansions Volume I (Cao Xueqin, Gao E.), Foreign languages Press, Beijing, China, 1994 (First Published in hardback in 1978) 【第一册 P452】ISBN: 9787119006437
>
> David Hawkes 译：Dai-yu had a natural aversion to gatherings, which she rationalized by saying that since the inevitable consequence of getting together was parting, and since parting made people feel lonely and feeling lonely made them unhappy, *ergo* it was better for them not to get together in the rst place. In the same way she argued that since the owers, which give us so much pleasure when they open, only cause us a lot of extra sadness when they die, it would be better if they didn’t come out at all.
>
> The Story of The Stone #2: The Crab-Flower Club《海棠诗社》, Penguin Books Ltd, 【正文 P93 总页码 P 109】ISBN 10: 0141968907

风起于青蘋之末：
> 典故出自战国楚国辞赋作家宋玉所创作文学作品《风赋(Feng fu, Rhapsody on the Wind)》。
> 
> 节选：“**夫风生于地，起于青蘋之末**，侵淫谿谷，盛怒于土囊之口，缘太山之阿，舞于松柏之下，飘忽淜滂，激飓熛怒。耾耾雷声，回穴错迕，蹶石伐木，梢杀林莽。至其将衰也，被丽披离，冲孔动楗，眴焕粲烂，离散转移。故其清凉雄风，则飘举升降，乘凌高城，入于深宫。抵花叶而振气，徘徊于桂椒之间，翺翔于激水之上。将击芙蓉之精，猎蕙草，离秦蘅，概新夷，被荑杨，回穴冲陵，萧条众芳。然后徜徉中庭，北上玉堂，跻于罗幢，经于洞房，乃得为大王之风也。故其风中人，状直憯憯惏慄，清凉增欷。清清冷冷，愈病析酲，发明耳目，宁体便人。此所谓大王之雄风也。”
>
> 英文翻译：(From the book Wen xuan or Selections of Refined Literature, Volume III, PrincetonUP)
> 
> **The wind is born from the earth, Rises from the tips of green duckweed**,
> 
> Graduailly advances into glen and vale, 
> 
> Rages at the mouths of earthen sacks, 
>
> Follows the bends of great mountains, 
> 
> Dances beneath pine and cypress. 
> 
> Swiftly soaring, blasting and blustering, 
> 
> Fiercely it flies, swift and angry, 
> 
> Rumbling and roaring with the sound of thunder. 
> 
> Tortuously twisting, in chaotic confusion, 
> 
> It overturns rocks, fells trees, 
> 
> Strikes down forests and thickets. 
>
> 翻译来源：Wen Xuan or Selections of Refined Literature, Volume III: Rhapsodies on Natural Phenomena, Birds and Animals, Aspirations and Feelings, Sorrowful Laments, Literature, Music, and Passions, compiled by Xiao Tong (501-531) , David R. Knechtges【P9】

西西弗神话/薛西弗斯的神話：Le Mythe de Sisyphe（法语）; The Myth of Sisyphus（英语）

> 梨安uuu, [2024年1月10日 22:29]
>
> 加缪是法国人，书名“西西弗神话”已成法文谚语，借喻“永久无望又无用的人生状况”。

加缪/卡繆：Albert Camus

梨安说出自：第一章第一节 荒诞与自杀 Absurdity and Suicide

梨安后续给了我一部分文段，是目前英语比较通行的译本，供参考，我已经从z-library的书本中检查了拼写，除了标点符号有区别之外，是无误的，我把标点改为了z-library查到的书籍的版本。

> Justin O'Brien 译本：
>
> 「隐痛深藏于人的内心深处，正是应该在人的内心深处去探寻隐痛。这死亡的游戏是由面对存在的清醒，过渡到要脱离光明的逃遁。我们应该沿着这条线索去理解自杀。」
> 
> "The worm is in man’s heart. That is where it must be sought. One must follow and understand this fatal game that leads from lucidity in the face of experience to flight from light."
>
> The Myth of Sisyphus, Albert Camus, Justin O'Brien, Penguin Books Ltd; Spark Publishing【P2】ISBN 13: 9781411473379
>
> 一个人自愿去死，则说明这个人认识到——即使是下意识地——习惯是可笑的，认识到人活着的任何深刻理由都是不存在的，就是认识到日常行为是无意义的，遭受痛苦也是无用的。
> 
> 那么，这种难以尽述的情感，这种使精神生活失去对它来说是必需的麻木的情感究竟是什么呢？一个哪怕可以用极不像样的理由来解释的世界仍是人们感到熟悉的世界。然而，一旦世界失去幻想与光明，人就会觉得自己是局外人。这一放逐是无可挽回的，因为他被剥夺了对失去的家乡的记忆，而且丧失了对未来世界的希望。人与他的生活之间的，演员与舞台之间的这种分离，真正构成荒谬感。无须多加解释，人们就会理解到：在所有健在而又已经想过要自杀的人身上，这种荒谬感与对虚无的渴望直接相关。
> 
> Dying voluntarily implies that you have recognized, even instinctively, the ridiculous character of that habit, the absence of any profound reason for living, the insane character of that daily agitation and the uselessness of suffering.
> 
> What then is that incalculable feeling that deprives the mind of the sleep necessary to life? A world that can be explained even with bad reasons is a familiar world. But, on the other hand, in a universe suddenly divested of illusions and lights, man feels an alien, a stranger. His exile is without remedy since he is deprived of the memory of a lost home or the hope of a promised land. This divorce between man and his life, the actor and his setting, is properly the feeling of absurdity. All healthy men having thought of their own suicide, it can be seen, without further explanation, that there is a direct connection between this feeling and the longing for death.
>
> The Myth of Sisyphus, Albert Camus, Justin O'Brien, Penguin Books Ltd; Spark Publishing【P3】ISBN 13: 9781411473379

主播女孩重度依赖：NEEDY GIRL OVERDOSE，英文版修改后名：Needy Streamer Overload

糖糖：Ame (あめちゃん, Ame-chan) 

三岛由纪夫：Mishima Youkio

> 花原自怯，岂奈狂飚？柳本多愁，何禁骤雨？
>
> 戴本译：How could such a delicate flower withstand a fierce gale, or the care-stricken willow endure torrential rain?
>
> A Dream of Red Mansions Volume II (Cao Xueqin, Gao E.), Foreign languages Press, Beijing, China, 1994 (First Published in hardback in 1978) 【第二册 P672】ISBN: 9787119006437
>
> 霍本译：It is not to be thought that a shrinking flower could withstand the whirlwind’s blast, or a tender willow-tree be proof against the buffetings of the tempest.
>
> The Story of the Stone #3: The Warning Voice 《异兆悲音》ISBN: 9780141912813 【正文:P556 总页码：P577】
> 
> 洲迷聚窟，何来却死之香？海失灵槎，不获回生之药。眉黛烟青，昨犹我画。指环玉冷，今倩谁温？
>
> 戴本译：No search can be made for the incense that revives the dead, as the way to Fairy Tales is lost. No medicine that restores life can be obtained, as the Magic Barge is gone. Only yesterday I was painting those bluish eyebrows; today, who will warm her cold fingers with the jade rings?
>
> *Magic Barge*: Magic Barge: A Chinese legend said this belonged to the immortals and sailed in the Sky River, Milky Way.
>
> A Dream of Red Mansions Volume II (Cao Xueqin, Gao E.), Foreign languages Press, Beijing, China, 1994 (First Published in hardback in 1978) 【第二册 P672】ISBN: 9787119006437
> 
> 霍本译：
> 
> It were a hard thing to hunt out the Isle of the Blest from among the multitudinous islands of the ocean and bring back the immortal herb that should restore her: the raft is lost that went to look for it.
> 
> It was but yesterday that I painted those delicate smoke-black eyebrows; and who is there today to warm the cold jade rings for her fingers? 
>
> The Story of the Stone #3: The Warning Voice 《异兆悲音》ISBN: 9780141912813 【正文:P557 总页码：P578】

> 两段皆出自《红楼梦》第七十八回 “*老学士闲征姽婳词 痴公子杜撰芙蓉诔*”，也可作为独立的诗《芙蓉女儿诔》的节选，资源和校对待补充。
>
> 老学士闲征姽婳词 痴公子杜撰芙蓉诔：
> 
> 戴本译：An Old Scholar at Leisure Has Eulogies Composed His Unorthodox, Witless Son Laments the Hibiscus 
>
> 霍本译：Jia Zheng commissions the Ballad of the Winsome Colonel; And Bao-yu composes an Invocation to the Hibiscus Spirit
>
> 《芙蓉女儿诔》
> 
> 戴本译：*Elegy for the the Hibiscus Maid*
>
> 霍本译：THE SPIRIT OF THE HIBISCUS: AN ELEGY AND INVOCATION

《天人五衰》：*Tennin Gosui*（罗马音），The Decay of the Angel（英语）*/}